Despite our best efforts, we’re inevitably going to screw up sometimes when trying to raise a family. We may say the wrong thing to our kids or react poorly to something they do. Other times, we mistreat or mishandle a situation with someone else, like a partner, in front — or in earshot — of our children. Over time, bad habits like snapping at or blaming your partner can affect your child, too.
Do not snap at your partner when you’re stressed
Your patience is thin and you are likely to lose your temper when you’re racing to meet a work deadline, your kid is hungry, the fridge is empty, you need to leave for baseball practice in 15 minutes. But our kids notice how we behave under stress, so bringing more mindfulness to how we react in these tense, everyday moments should matter.
Try to hash out a disagreement when you’re heated
Couples may feel the need to resolve the argument at hand ASAP — even if they’re not in the right frame of mind to have a productive discussion. That sense of urgency actually comes from being in a deregulated fight-or-flight state.
Make up in front of kids
Sometimes, your kids are going to see you fight and raise your voices at one another. When this happens, you should make up in front of them too, “with affection and forgiveness.
Never blame your partner, take responsibility instead
When your child sees you getting defensive and pointing fingers at one another instead of owning up to your mistakes, it sends the message, “I can do the same,” Nicogossian said.
Communicate your needs clearly
When you’re exhausted and frustrated, it feels easier to stew in silence or rattle off a list of your partner’s shortcomings than it is to calmly state what you need from them.
Do not use all-or-nothing language
Another bad habit that couples slip into is speaking in absolutes, like “you always do this” or “you never do that.” This kind of all-or-nothing, shame-inducing language is rarely accurate and immediately puts your partner on the defensive.
Do not hold your kids to a different standard than you hold yourselves
Our kids imitate in a letter and spirit what we demonstrate in front of them. We should hold the standards that we expect from them. Pediatric psychologist and parent coach Ann-Louise Lockhart says this might look like parents telling their children not to interrupt, yell or use hurtful language with others when they do it to each other all the time.
(With inputs from Agencies)
